How Not To Hit Your Head On DoorwaysFirst of all, if you do hit your head, pound your fist into the doorjamb. Pound it hard. Pound again. Yell at the doorframe. “Leave my head alone, you big bully.”
Always duck. Bow your head. Pretend the Emperor of Japan is always waiting in the next room, but in general, avoid Asian countries where structures tend to be built for smaller people.
Avoid caves. Avoid castles. Avoid beach houses. Avoid trailer homes. Avoid cozy lofts.
Be vigilant when wearing a cap. The cap won’t protect your head. The bill will impair your vision. The little button atop the cap will tattoo your pate.
Don’t grow so tall. Refuse milk as a child. Avoid hanging from ledges. Live in a cold climate. Malnourish yourself. Tell your parents you want recessive genes.
Don’t wear heels. Even when such shoes are fashionable during disco and glam rock periods, insist on flats. Express your fashion sense with large belt buckles and jade jewelry.
Under no circumstances should you ever let your friends convince you to wear a Mohawk.
Insist on living in Wilt Chamberlain’s house. Vacation in Norway. Walk through archways. Visit marble buildings with enormous entranceways. Visit museums. Visit train stations. Visit monuments.
Stay outdoors.
No comments:
Post a Comment